Sunday February 10th

Well today is Tonys birthday. Some birthday for him. Thankfully the much dreaded bad news hasn't come so we have breathed a sigh of relief.

I decided I wanted to come home today. Its been a very bad day emotionally. I haven't stopped crying for long today from the minute I woke up. I think the enormity of it all has hit me and the desparate situation we are in. She wasn't meant to come this soon, I always wanted a June baby. I knew she was a girl from the start and that is in her favour. Apparently they are much stronger than boys. I thank God I have Bailey, he is giving me a lot of strength although at the same time I am finding it hard to give him the attention he needs. Im trying to take so much in and process things and its exhausting. We had some lovely cuddles tonight though so that helped us both.

It was much harder than I thought leaving the hospital. I should be bringing home my baby. This is going to be very hard but we will get through it somehow, Niamh is being strong so how can we not be?

I forgot to say that I held her yesterday! She needed to be lifted in the isolette while her sheet was changed. She felt quite solid, like a paperweight. Very tiny and her skin dry and almost sticky. They call it Queensland inside her crib, the temperature is approx 36.8c and very humid to stop her from drying out.

I'm exhausted, I need bed. This is my blog with my thoughts and updates. I hope to keep it updated with how Niamh is going. Sometimes there isn't a lot to say, she has been steady for 3 days now. Today was a bit more worrying, but she seems to have levelled out again.

My milk has come in, thats another thing. I have to express every 3 hours and lable it and put it in the fridge. When she is strong enough for feeds she will have my milk in the order it came in. Im finding it quite stressful to express into a plastic pot, its not how it should be. I have to think hard about her and smell the Wookie that has her scent on it to help get the milk to flow.

I will tell you more about Wookies another day. Good night for now, its been a long five days.